Now i finally understand how to hear from God. I never thought that it was so simple.
You just have to key in the password - humbleness.
I've learnt a precious lesson. I thank God because He is faithful, although i'm as stubborn as always, but He hadn't given up on me, and had carefully guided me through every up's and down's. If He had never showed up in my life, i am pretty sure that i will fall into the enemy's trap, and the "best" part is tat i will never even get the chance to realise that awful fact. oohh! Thank God, like seriously. You get what i mean?
To be honest, i am not really somebody whom you think or thought i am. At least, in some ways la. Don't take my words wrongly, i don't mean that i am actually the legendary Mr Hyde who acts like a gentleman when broad daylight but turns out to be a killer monster by midnight. It's just that i am not really honest in expressing my true colours. My motives of doing things were often based on good intentions, but... the problem is, i wanted to be recognised and to be able to please everyone... so i had bought myself an invisible mask. But this mask of mine had injected me a lot of side effects, as days gone by, one day i found myself not being able to laugh naturally anymore. It's not sadness or anger, but some kind of overflow awkwardness that had flooded my entire "nervous system".
Then, i had this chance to met a group of people, or in other words, friends that belongs to a same family. :)
Yes, church. youth. Christ.
It's always relaxing and fun being with them. They taught me the Truth and i got better. It isn't really easy to open up the lock of my heart but through Him, i was able to do so and guess what, i love to laugh now and won't stop laughing :P
That invisible mask of mine was lifted bit by bit! but the story doesn't end here, the pride that i had accumulated somehow got its way back when i was doin great in my academics. Since then, i became proud mentally and was determined that i am capable in making my own decision. I soon treated God like He was a neighbour, not a father anymore. I struggled to hear God's voice and i claimed that it was because of environmental factors. Everything was an excuse to hide the truth. -yea pride, of course. I am no longer ashamed to share everything out anymore. The truth had set me free. And this freedom is the peace of heart and joy that i am seeking.
Back to the topic, okay those above were a brief-but-still-long personal introduction of me..once used to be la .
I had a dream since young, to become a doctor. Reason? unknown. I just wanted to become one and to achieve something someday. So this is my so called ambition until form 3. But thinking of it, there is no reason why i should not take up this course also, since i had everything i needed. I have the capability and financial support enough for me to complete it. But is it God's will and destiny for me to become a doctor? i wasn't really sure, i am just so full of myself. Biology seemed interesting, so why not? i thought to myself.
I admit that i am a very status-oriented person. I strive hard to get recognition and attention almost in everything i do. So when i enjoyed studying sc, i told everyone that i wanted to become a doctor or a surgeon one day. At that time, i felt so happy when every member of my relatives and friends showed a confirmation for me and was so proud of me. This made me thought that i had made the right career choice because this career can give me all the attention and admiration i want. Not many people were able to pursue Medicine right? So this is the kind of challenge that i am interested to set foot in. I prayed and asked my church friends and even parents to pray over this matter, but surprisingly sharp people like them wasn't able to give me a sure answer about this. This is strange, but so what? it's a good career and this is a good chance to prove myself better than anybody else.
Although i liked this idea very much in the beginning, but i got less confident in that choice of mine as days gone by. This is because i started to feel that Sc is hard and my interest for it is dropping. I prayed to God to give me confirmation if i should continue this dream of mine, but nothing went well. If i should make a conclusion, it was as if God was trying to tell me His answer. But i chose to shut my heart because this was not the answer i wanted to hear. T.T
The voice got clearer and i KNEW that this wasn't my destiny-to-be. But why? i ask God. Then a pastor came and made me clear. If i was made for the job, i am surely to automatically have the passion and skills imparted in me. So I asked myself, what is the skills becoming a doctor? Very disciplined, closed social working environment, routine-based. OMG this is definitely not something i wanted to spend my whole life with. But i don't have the courage to tell everyone about this, HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO TELL EVERYONE THAT I AM NOT MEANT TO BECOME A DOCTOR WHEN I WAS SO SURE ABOUT PURSUE-ING IT IN THE BEGINNING. I even told everyone about which medic uni i am goin into, and bla bla so on. THIS IS EMBARASSMENT, well to me.
Then, i made a skill check on myself. okay, it seemed that i am suitable to go for careers based on social sciences... but because of the pride or the "face", i chose to keep this a secret and still holding onto the whole doctor thingi.
Then one day, i heard my parents mentioning about being a politician. We used to make fun together, talking and joking about someday i might become a politician or maybe the prime minister. We laughed so hard, but some strange feeling stirred up inside of me. I don't understand it by that time, i asked God again about this, i felt... peace. Oh my! seriously?! I don't dare to think of it anymore because who am i? how is it possible that i am to become a politician? Don't be silly God, and i bet my parents wouldn't agree to let me study politcal sc anyway. Haiz, and so, I only make this as a joke to share to my friends. We certainly shared good times laughing together. haha!
SPM passed, it's finally time for me to decide which course to study. And of course, i went to some education fairs and only acquire informations about Medicine courses. But in between, many people came to tell my parents that Medicine is a very stressful career and had advised them not to let me involve in it. My parents came to talk to me. I am very sad at first, thinking that they were not being supportive. At that time, i got closer to God, unknowingly, i had this habit of asking God when i am in confusion. Nothing happened, but as i wondered where was God, 2 words striked me hard! It's like a vision, or something like that, a feeling.
The words were.. HUMBLE YOURSELF.
Okay......weird..... what is "humble myself" goin to help solve my headache? So I prayed again. Then suddenly many thoughts came flooding in, and i saw myself suffering from the pride that i had "invested" in. I soon realized that it was God trying to tell me something! Doctor is not my thing, and i have to stay humble enough to be honest with myself. Only by that, i am able to have a breakthrough and see things more clearly for my future.
I prayed to God for courage and humbleness, and finally after a few days, i was ready to tell my parents about my decision not to study medicine. They were shocked! and their expressions were priceless hehe xD
I saw the confusion in their eyes and explained my standings to them. They both understood and were very happy to see me finally realizing what is important. And so, we prayed together about what courses should i take.. when i prayed, p.o.l.i.t.c.i.a.n came to my mind again. Gosh, it's so annoying. I thought my imagination was playing with me again. But what happened next, shock me more!! My parents....asked...me...if i am interested to pursue political sc........ OMG OMG OMG is this coincidence?!
Something called joy stirred inside me!! I just keep on nodding my head....!! I can't really think of anything else by that time... it's like I WANT IT XD The feeling is like when you passed by a toy shop and u spotted a teddy bear that u want, and your parents asked if you want to buy it or not, u just keep on nodding your head like crazy!! haha xD
I don't know why i am reacting so much about it, maybe it's because i've finally found something i really like. Talking and being sociable is my hobby. Maybe that's the reason? I don't know, but i felt like more is coming and God will reveal it to me when the time has come.
Relating to my first paragraph, how is this connected to hearing from God? If you had noticed, do you realized that actually i am very keen and had always hope to get an answer from God, but wasn't really able to hear from Him when i was being so prideful? But then when i realized that i was wrong and had admitted it, i was being honest to myself by humbling down. And just by that simple thought, God spoke to me and had guided me to a path. I was lost, but now am found. I am really glad i am finally a true brave girl.
A pastor once said,
IF YOU ARE IN DARKNESS, SWITCH ON THE LIGHTS.
SHOW AND BE IN THE TRUTH, AND IT WILL SET YOU FREE.
I am free today, by the grace of God!! All praise to Him :D
God bless,
Mandy
